I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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