i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
