I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
