too bad you live with your parents still
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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