Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
