I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
