I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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