I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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