Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You can't special order awesome
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
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