made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
