I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
