Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
