I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
