my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
