Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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