I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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