People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
