under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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