theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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