Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
