Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
