Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
