We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
