If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
