I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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