When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
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