I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
