: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Come see our sink grown plant.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Less talking, more tequila
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
