hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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