Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I hate your face
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
