I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
