I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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