idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
