i wish there were pregnant emoticons
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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