We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
