yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
