Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
