All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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