i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
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