my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize