I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Randomize
