Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
