i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
