just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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