1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
