White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
