remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
