My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
