i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
