So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
