Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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