so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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