Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
