im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
