some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Randomize
