I think scott just propositioned me for sex
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
