Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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