I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
