forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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