I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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