She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
