You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
