My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
