I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
